It could have been worse

SMILE OF THE DAY

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?"
"He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Frank, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

Rake

SMILE OF THE DAY

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

Expiration date

SMILE OF THE DAY

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

Responsible

SMILE OF THE DAY

A man was interviewing for a job. The interviewer said, "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

"I'm the one you want," the man replied. "At my last job every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Brave Wife

SMILE OF THE DAY

A husband and wife enter a dentist’s office. The Wife says, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or Novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”

“You’re a brave woman,” says the dentist, “Now, show me which tooth it is.”

The wife turns to her husband and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”.

What state mottos should be

SMILE OF THE DAY

What state mottos should be

Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: Se Habla Ingles
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware:
Florida: The Gunshine State
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: Famous Potatoes ... and Neo-Nazis
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: For Sale
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: The Sue Me State
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: Land of 7,000 lakes and 3,000 man-made ponds
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: You're Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Incest is Best
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Don't Mess with Texas-We're Armed
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Keep Washington Green, Grow Hemp
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?

Counter Proverbs

SMILE OF THE DAY

Counter proverbs

Actions speak louder than words.
vs
The pen is mightier than the sword.

Look before you leap.
vs
He who hesitates is lost.

Many hands make light work.
vs
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

Clothes make the man.
vs
Don't judge a book by its cover.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
vs
Better safe than sorry.

The bigger, the better.
vs
The best things come in small packages.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
vs
Out of sight, out of mind.

What will be, will be.
vs
Life is what you make it.

Cross your bridges when you come to them.
vs
Forewarned is forearmed.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
vs
One man's meat is another man's poison.

With age comes wisdom.
vs
Out of the mouths of babes come all wise sayings.

The more, the merrier.
vs
Two's company; three's a crowd.

Ponder this

SMILE OF THE DAY

Thoughts To Ponder 

1. If people can put up nude statues everywhere, then why can't we run around naked?
2. How do "please keep off the grass" signs get there?
3. If Hooters started a door-to-door service would they then be called knockers?
4. Who shuts the door when the bus driver gets off?
5. If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
6. They say the truth will set you free. But then why is it that every time I tell the truth I get sent to my room?
7. How come a pizza can get to ur house faster than an ambulance? 

Decoy

SMILE OF THE DAY

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.  After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.  At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!  Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” declared the man with pride. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

Robins

SMILE OF THE DAY

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one.

"Me too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one.

"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun.

No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."

Rabbi

SMILE OF THE DAY

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.
Just look at our cars.
There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.
This must be a sign from God!"
Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.
This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!
Here's another miracle!
My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.
Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

Kid baseball

SMILE OF THE DAY

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head.”

Do you understand all that?”

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, “And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb a–hole’, is it?”

Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”

Good Deed

SMILE OF THE DAY

A man finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates to heaven. In front of them, stands a guardian angel. As the man approaches, the angel greets him and warns him it is not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the fellow religious in life? No? The guardian angel told him that’s bad.

Was he generous? Gave money to the poor? Charities? No? The guardian angel told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? The guardian angel was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, the angel says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometimes. Work with me, I’m trying to help. Now think!”

The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell’s Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet, and went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face”.

“Wow”, said the angel, “That’s actually very impressive. When did this happen”?

“Oh, about 10 minutes ago”, replied the man.

Diet

SMILE OF THE DAY

Doctor: You are on a diet. So eat a single egg and half a cup of milk.

Patient: Before or after lunch doctor?

Funny Acronyms

SMILE OF THE DAY

Funny Acronyms

A.D.I.D.A.S. = All Day I Dream About Soccer
B.M.W. = Big Money Waster
B.O.S.S. = Built On Self Success
D.I.E.T. = Do I Eat Today?
D.R.A.M.A. = Dumb Retards Asking for More Attention.
F.O.R.D. = Fix Or Repair Daily
G.R.E.A.T. = Get Really Excited About Today
H.A.T.E.R.S = Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success
H.O.P.E. = Hold On, Pain Ends
L.I.F.E. = Living Isn't Freaking Easy
L.I.V.E. = Learning Important Values Everyday
L.O.V.E. = Loss Of Valuable Energy
M.A.T.H. = Mental Abuse to Humans
M.C.D.O.N.A.L.D. = Making Children Diners Order Nuggets And Large Drinks N.A.S.C.A.R. = Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks
P.I.G. = Pretty Insensitive Guy/Girl
P.O.O.R. = Passing Over Opportunities Repeatedly
P.O.R.S.C.H.E. = Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything P.R.O.M.I.S.E.S. = People Really Only Make It Sound Extra Simple S.A.A.B. = Sad Attempt At Beauty
S.I.N.G.L.E = Stress Is Now Gone, Life's Easier
S.M.I.L.E. = Showing Miracle In Little Effort
T.E.A.M. = Together Everyone Achieves More
T.W.I.T.T.E.R. = Things Which I Type That Everyone Reads
V.O.D.K.A. = Very Overpowering Drink, Killing Agony
V.O.L.V.O. = Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
W.A.T.E.R. = Wonderful And Totally Energizing Refreshment
W.E.I.R.D.= Wonderful Exciting Interesting Real Different 

Doctor

SMILE OF THE DAY

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Long-Term Care Home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug.”

“Do you want a bed near the window?”

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON … OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

Duck Hunting accident

SMILE OF THE DAY

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak behind a tree.

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew and knocked the gun over, to the hunter’s horror, it discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Fortunately for him, some hunters nearby heard his scream and called an ambulance.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

“Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”

“Tell me the good news first, please,” said the hunter.

“Well, the good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”

“What’s the bad news then?’ asked the hunter.

“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my brother.”

“Oh no, I mean, at least I’m alright, I feared the worst. I guess it could be worse,’ the hunter replied. ‘Is your brother a plastic surgeon?”

“Not exactly…’ answered the doctor delicately. ‘He’s a flute player in the local symphony. He’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss all over the bathroom.’

Bank

SMILE OF THE DAY

It was the usual day at our bank.
A woman came up to customer service and demanded, “What do I have to do to change the address on my account?”
Without looking up, I replied, “Move.”

Watch dogs

SMILE OF THE DAY

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

Beware of dog!

SMILE OF THE DAY

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."