Bagpipes

SMILE OF THE DAY

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.
After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.
'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'
'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'
'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.' 

Thoughts to ponder

SMILE OF THE DAY

Thoughts To Ponder

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of it's nose?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station

College Student

SMILE OF THE DAY

A college student wrote a letter home:

Dear folks,
I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money.
I feel ashamed and unhappy.
I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels.
I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.
Your son,
Marvin

P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up at the box at the corner.

I wanted to take this letter and burn it.
I prayed to God that I could get it back, but I was too late.

A few days later, he received a letter from his father:
Dear Son, Good news! Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!

Christian Lady

SMILE OF THE DAY

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.
But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.
One time she was sitting next to a man.
When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After a while, he turned to her and asked: “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there do you?”
The lady replied “Of course I do. It is the Bible.”
He said “Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?
She replied “Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.”
He asked, “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?”
The lady said “Well I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him.”
“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.
“Then you can ask him.” replied the lady.

Blind Pilot

SMILE OF THE DAY

A Blind Pilot Is Flying This Plane?

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?"
Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!

Bicycle

SMILE OF THE DAY

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

Gators

SMILE OF THE DAY

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."

Prowlers

SMILE OF THE DAY

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed.
He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary.
The operator at the other end said: “Are they in your house?”
He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house.
The operator said there were no cars available at that time.
He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again.
“I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well, you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!”
Within seconds there were three police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene.
After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, “I thought you said you had shot them all!”
The man answered, “I thought you said there were no police available!”

50 Years of marriage

SMILE OF THE DAY

50 Years Together Is A Long Time

An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing.

Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs. When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, and goes back to her knitting.

Her husband, puzzled, asks, “What was that for?”
She replied, “That was for 50 years of bad sex.”

He goes back to his newspaper, but a few minutes later, he looks at his wife and whacks her across the head.

The wife, also puzzled asks him, “What was that for?”

Not looking up from his newspaper, the husband answers, “That is for knowing the difference.”

Old couple

SMILE OF THE DAY

An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting. “
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.”
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”

Doctor's

SMILE OF THE DAY

Doctors Meeting

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

Man vs Woman

SMILE OF THE DAY

Man vs Woman

Why do women live a better, longer & more peaceful Life, compared to men? A very INTELLIGENT student replied: 'Because women don't have a wife!'

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

Oxymorons

SMILE OF THE DAY

Oxymorons 

1. Act naturally
2. Found missing
3. Resident alien
4. Advanced BASIC
5. Genuine imitation
6. Airline Food
7. Good grief
8. Same difference
9. Almost exactly
10. Terribly pleased
11. Sanitary landfill
12. Alone together
13. Legally drunk
14. Silent scream
15. Living dead
16. Government organization

Bridge

SMILE OF THE DAY

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead!" Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Wife

SMILE OF THE DAY

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reelingand her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed , "I meant my dresssize, you dumb ass!"

Wife

SMILE OF THE DAY

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!

I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

Life's Unanswered Question

SMILE OF THE DAY

Life's Unanswered Questions

Why do "cool" and "hot" mean the same thing?
Why do people squint when they can't see? Wouldn't that just make it less space to see out of?
Why do we have to pay a toll on "freeways"?
Why do we call them pepperoni if there is no pepper in it?
How old does something have to be to become an antique?
Why do they say "an alarm going off" if it's really going on?
How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?
Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?
How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Porch

SMILE OF THE DAY

A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors.

At the first house, the owner said, “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?

“$50” she replies.

The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house.

The man’s wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house.

“She should. She was standing on it”
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’ve finished already?” the man asked.
“Yeah, and I had paint left over so I painted two coats.”
Impressed the man reaches for the money.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a porch. It’s a Lexus.”

Painter

SMILE OF THE DAY

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.

Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"

To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank Heavens I'm not a proctologist.'"

Little old lady

SMILE OF THE DAY

It was three o’clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.

“Please come quickly,” she yelled, “I just saw a naked man outside my window!”

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady’s room.
“Where is he?” asked the receptionist.

“He’s over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.

“It’s probably a man who’s getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly.

“And how do you know he’s naked, you can only see him from the waist up?”

“The dresser, honey!” screamed the old lady. “Try standing on the dresser!”

Golf

SMILE OF THE DAY

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.

They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

Fily

SMILE OF THE DAY

A Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered, but as she got older she became very temperamental.

He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last.

He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail.
He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.

Snails

SMILE OF THE DAY

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman walking alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on really quickly, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said - "Come on guys, we're almost there!"