Santa

SMILE OF THE DAY

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?

Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

Speed Trap

SMILE OF THE DAY

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?"

Relationship Communications

SMILE OF THE DAY

Relationship Communications 

If you hear, "I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship."
It probably means, "I'm ready for a relationship whenever you are."

If he says, "I want someone who will understand me."
He means, "Don't complain when I spend most of my time with my friends."

If she says, "I'm looking for a fairytale romance."
She means, "Do you have a good job? I'm not working after I get married!"

If he says, "Let's not put a label on our relationship."
He means, "I'm still dating other people so don't refer to yourself as my girlfriend."

If you hear, "I'm looking for someone to sweep me off my feet."
It means, "Take me to fancy restaurants and buy me expensive gifts."

Rabbit

SMILE OF THE DAY Twenty happy years later, the man dies, and the woman, Mary, sticks to her vow and visits a seance four weeks later. It went something like this:Mary: "Is there anybody there? I'm seeking my deceased husband John. Is he there?"Strange, booming voice: "Mary? Is that you, Mary?"Mary: "Yes John, is that you?"John: "Yes, it's me."Mary: "How are things where you are, John? What's it like?"John: "Great, Mary. Everyday after breakfast we make love until lunchtime, which lasts about half-hour, then we make love until dinner. After dinner, we make love until we fall asleep. It's great. I can't wait until you get here."Mary (shocked): "Is that what Heaven's like?"John: "I'm not in Heaven." Mary (fearing the worst): "Then where are you?"John: "I'm a rabbit in Florida!"

College

SMILE OF THE DAY

It was the beginning of a new academic year at the college, and the freshmen were beginning to arrive.

The job of introducing the newcomers to their new surroundings belonged to the Dean of Women.

During the opening speech of the lecture, the Dean saw fit to bring up the subject of sexual morality, in line with the college’s conservative values.

She asked the freshmen: “In moments of temptation, ask yourselves just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

The freshmen half-heartedly muttered in agreement, and the lecture went on without interruption.

At the end of the lecture, the Dean decided to ask the freshmen if they had any questions.

One of the girls timidly raised her hand and said:

“How do you make it last for a whole hour??”

Wasp

SMILE OF THE DAY

One day, finding a wasp had entered the house, a wife shouted to her husband, "There's a wasp in here. Do we have any spray?"

He told her there was a can under the sink.
"Honey," she called. "This is ant and roach spray."
"Well," her husband replied, "don't show him the label."

Fishing

SMILE OF THE DAY

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,
"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

Tired dog

SMILE OF THE DAY

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Travel Agent

SMILE OF THE DAY

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.

They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came into his shop.
“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.

“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me.

Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”

Things to Ponder

SMILE OF THE DAY

Things to Ponder

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Woman Heart attack

SMILE OF THE DAY

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she has a near-death experience.
During that experience, she sees God and asks if this is it.
God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck – you name it, she had it.
She even has someone come in and change her hair color.
She figures since she’s got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God and asks, “I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?”
“Oh sorry, ” Said God. “I didn’t recognize you.”

Wife

SMILE OF THE DAY

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

Fish

SMILE OF THE DAY

Fish Jokes

Where are most fish found?
Between the head and the tail!

What kind of fish will help you hear better?
A herring aid!

What do fish sing to each other?
Salmon-chanted evening!

How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!

Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?
On squid row!

What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
Monkfish!

What bit of fish doesn't make sense?
The piece of cod that passeth all understanding!

What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?
A fish tank!

What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish?
Tsardines!

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!

Pilots

SMILE OF THE DAY

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will." 

Heart attack

SMILE OF THE DAY

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery.
He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill.
He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
He said, “Just a spinster sister, who is a nun.”
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

Kid, God and the Post Office

SMILE OF THE DAY

A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God". A postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my Mom is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?" The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise $300.A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed to God. The boy thanked God for the recent infusion of cash, but ended with this request: "Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you send it through the post office they deduct $200."

Vagabond

SMILE OF THE DAY

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

Author

SMILE OF THE DAY

Author: Well, the upshot of it was, that after ten years, I realized I had absolutely no talent for writing.
Friend: So, you gave up?
Author: No, I couldn't. By then, I was too famous.